Will The Real Bill Clinton Please S.T.F.U.*

At this very moment, I don’t really care if this offends someone else’s delicate sensibilities.  Get out your fainting sofa if my language or assessment regarding one of our greatest living Democratic icons puts you off your feed or gets your knickers in a twist.  This bear is a'growlin’ at all the recent (and past escapades) of this “Grey Eminence” of the Democratic Party.   Some of his recent assertions while campaigning for Barack Obama’s re-election bring to mind that old chestnut; “With friends like this, who needs enemies?”

Recently Ol’ Bill has been on the wrong end of at least three different statements which he has had to walk back a couple of miles: 1. Praising Mitt Romney’s “sterling” record at Bain Capital as something to admire, 2. Suggesting the country was still in a recession and that the current administration is making little progress in digging out of.  3. Pretty much saying that he favored extending the Bush-era tax cuts.

The Romney campaign is now using Clinton’s statements in its press releases and campaign commercials.  And you know that this problem has reached epic proportions when Sarah the Pee uses Bill’s words in an effort to make President Obama look far from of the mainstream.  Clinton calls himself “The Come Back Kid”.   I would prefer if he were the “Hit The Road” Kid.  Honestly Bill, how can we miss you if you refuse to go away? 

Former President Bubba announced awhile back that he was now a vegetarian.  Apparently the lack of cow, chicken and pig byproducts has gone straight to his head and he is just a pulled-pork sandwich away from totally flipping out.  I understand from reliable sources that the Whole Hog Café in Little Rock, Arkansas is bracing for a sneak attack when Wee Willie finally goes over the edge.  Even New York area McDonald’s Restaurants have issued a full area RED ALERT, just in case Billy Boy finally snaps his leash and gets a “Big Mac Attack”.  Or maybe it’s too late and his circulatory vessels have sustained clogs of elephant-sized proportions.   Goddess knows, all the arteries, veins and other round, hollow orifices of the red state/rightwing crowd are almost permanently occluded; usually by large boards and/or head-shaped objects--them not wantin’ their Constitutional rights violated by having to ever, ever, ever eat that Librul Hippie, Pinko Tofu.  Or green vegetables that haven’t been boiled to death either.  And they all know that anything Organic is a socialist plot being cooked up by those 87 Commies in the Progressive Caucus.  Don’t want no nanny state makin’ us healthy neither.  We reserve our right to die of something that could be prevented by any DAMN FEDERAL  REGULATIONS.

As I was about to say, I do long for the good old days of the photo ops when Bill and his Secret Service entourage would jog through a Burger King drive-up window.   I, for one was grateful that the S.S. guys were reassuringly and fully dressed like Men In Black.  And, as much of a chub-lover as I am, I was always more than a little distressed when  the president would wear those nylon jogging shorts with the built-in pouch.   You know the kind I’m referring to?  The ones that show every manly “curve”; especially when jogging.  Geo. W always wore biking shorts, but at least he stayed on the bike—maybe everything from Texas ain’t that big, but that’s information I will gladly live without.  Anyway, I always wanted to send an email to Clinton’s White House Offices suggesting he wear something a little more “restrained” and presidential.  I think I would have received a personal note of appreciation from B.C.’s personal secretary, Bettie Curre, who I am sure would’ve agreed with me.  I can just see her now, rolling her sassy black womans eyes in disapproval at Bill and his bad-boy antics (and those jogging shorts).   I’m sure that Monica loved them, however.  And that’s another story I’m not really interested in re-hashing.

But, I digress (as is my wont).   I’m speaking as a Second-Class Citizen when I say that Former President Clinton has managed to piss me off on more than one occasion in his presidential political career; and I voted for him—both times.   Sure, he has that frat-boy charm and devil-may-care attitude that charmed the panties off many  a  Southern Belle, and not undoubtedly plenty more ladies above the Mason-Dixon Line (and I’m sure, more than a few of my fellow chubby chasers were enamored—but not out of their boxer-briefs, cos we know that Bill is a big old Het).  But I just can’t overlook the fact is that Bill Clinton did the GLBT community few favors with his misguided Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) and Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) policies.  In my opinion, he set the gay rights movement back at least a decade when he signed these bills.  DADT is now history, but at what cost to the promising military careers of thousands of gays and lesbians?   And look at where we are with DOMA.  We now have to take time and money attempting to overturn a federal law that basically lets states run rough-shod over their own citizens because the federal government does not require them to recognize each other’s civil laws regarding marriage equality.  And, we have had to listen to  right-wing jackass politicians and preachers accuse us of wanting to marry our beloved kitchen appliances or pet goats or whatever.  I mean my 6 Qt. Professional KitchenAid Mixer, with whisk attachment, makes a superb cheesecake, but a longterm commitment?  I think not!  It doesn't have any more of a lifetime guarantee than many heterosexual marriages.

But, back to Clintons’ explanation for these “gaffes” he made regarding  Mittens and Bain Capital and this is a direct quote:  “I didn’t have any idea, when I was giving that answer, that I was wading into some controversy in the campaign, because I haven’t seen the ads, and I’m not following it, and I’m not really part of it. But you’d have to know about a specific case to know whether it was a good or a bad thing. But there are a lot of good people in that business doing good things. That’s the point I was making”.  To which I wittily reply, HUH???

Really, Bill?  I didn’t buy most of your BS  years ago when you were in office.  And I’m not buying it now when it comes to your efforts (unintentional or not) that undermine Barrack Obama’s re-election campaign.  I can’t believe that you don’t know exactly what you are doing.  Nor do I understand your motivation in saying such things?  Sure, it may stick in your craw that Hillary lost the 2008 nomination, but that really can’t be the reason, can it?  I have to tell you, that she has done an impressive job as Secretary of State and would have made a laudatory president, female or otherwise.  But the fact is that Barrack Hussein Obama, and not Hillary, inherited Dumbya’s economic mess, along with the headaches of a recalcitrant Repug congress, the TeaBagger Nutjobs and the antics of Grover “I’m-Not-A-Muppet” Norquist and his moronic “pledges”.  You should be grateful that it is Obama going through this political gauntlet instead of your beautiful and savvy wife.  Can you imagine the things McConnell, Boehner and Cantor would be saying?  I can just hear them now, “Let’s see if we can make her cry”.  Not that Hil wouldn’t be up to breaking a few sets of Repug gonads. And you know that she’d make old “Boner” shed a few tears just for kicks.  So just think of this administration as running interference for Hillary for the following 8 years.  If B.H.O. doesn’t win re-election, what chance do you think Hillary will stand in 2016? You are supposed to be a campaign genius, so I haven't a clue as to what you are thinking if you aren’t  trying to undermine Obama’s re-election campaign.  Eat a cheeseburger for gawdsake and get over it!   Maybe it's just low blood sugar.

Or, and I really hate to think this of an Arkansas country boy, maybe since you’ve joined the 1% financially, you’ve forgotten about the other 99.  You can’t be so seriously out of touch up there in Noo Yawk City that you haven’t talked to some po’ folks lately or forgotten your roots, can you?

So, Ex-Pres. Bill.  I'm imploring you to get it together.  If this isn’t deliberate sabotage, then think before you open your big Southern yap.   I’m sorry if  Barrack  Obama usurped your title as the  First Black  President.  But if you aren't going to help him get re-elected, just Please, *SHUT THE FUCK UP!